Depression and How It's Affecting My Life

   Depression shouldn't be an alien term to humans, really. While some remain with their close-minded opinions on the matter,  we can all agree that it is already a huge and sensitive topic to discuss.

  To be honest, I have no idea whether to post this on SOP (Solace of Purr) or this blog, Blue World. Because honestly, it's... a matter involving cats.

  I am honestly distraught. Because Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia is approaching steadily and I am doing my utmost best to do well. Ya Allah, writing what I feel right now makes me want to cry.

  A few days ago, I met a breeder with a beautiful Bengal boy. He was ten months and at a reasonable price, 1,800. I kept it a secret from my father because I wanted to work hard before telling him. So for about two weeks, I've been doing what I can to perform better in classes and especially in exams.

  But before I could even finish the trial, the breeder contacted me and told me that I needed to pay the booking fee (which was half the price of Sultan) for him to remain booked. I went into some kind of mental breakdown, and I panicked.

  What was I to do? I cried out in agony and prayed for Allah to help me. The thing is, whenever I experience such heavy stress, I tend to have bad reactions towards it. I will feel inclined to harm myself, break things, sob and wail.

  And it will be worse that I'm often alone, and no one would help me. Even if they know, what can they do? Comfort me? I swear to Allah SWT, so far only cats can comfort me. They use no words, while humans cause more damage that hurts my soul and that, can affect my iman. By experience, wallahi, I'd know.

  And so I had to tell my father, who then told me how I can't have cats until SPM ends. I was damaged even further and I couldn't help but to throw my phone multiple times until it cracked and damaged terribly.

  I sound like a brat, like budak manja, but to be honest, I don't often get what I want. And this backfired drastically because now I want Sultan (a beautiful Bengal) and my other cats too. And the reason I feel so much pain was because my father is wealthy. He has a farm for a hobby and spends above 40k for it. I often feel cheated and believed it was unfair that he could treat his farm animals with more love but he wouldn't do the same to my own cats.

  He wouldn't even send them for neuter, he wouldn't even send them for monthly vaccination! I remember we had a sick Persian kitten. It was young and feverish, but he gave up on it! My Persian kitten suffered because he gave up on it and I couldn't do anything because I was still a child! No job, no license, no way to send it for treatment.

  I'm hurt. I'm still hurt. I feel alone without my cats, and now I also want a pedigree Persian kitten who is at the price of 500-600.

  I've been denied for so long, I've been without my cats for so long, and this is the outcome.

  I hope you're happy with how you're making your daughter. I hope you're happy with how you're letting her suffer with her severe depression and letting her have no proper outlet for it, plus the stress of making it big on SPM and the trial.

  I hope you're satisfied, because I cannot express any humor or joy around you. I can't even express sadness, because you wouldn't give the right treatment.

  But I am sorry for how I lost my emotions, how it's hard for me to express how I feel, to even show a single mood.

  It can still be categorised as your fault though.

Sincerely,
Apparently nobody.